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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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JoeyB

JoeyB

Posted
Posted (edited)

Out on his boat, Nigel Clough was enjoying the sea air when he saw a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark. Through his binoculars he could see it was Kris Commons, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!

Nigel Clough ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but he knew the boats top speed would never get them there in time. At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Forest football shirts sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harthingy into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Commons from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Commons into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling ……. It was Nigel Clough calling them to the boat.

On reaching the boat Nigel Clough saw that the three men were Lewis McGugan, Wes Morgan & Chris Cohen and went into raptures about the rescue and said, “That is a great gesture lads. After all he has done, you still care for him and look after him. You are a true credit to your club and I thank you for that”

He shook their hands and left them.

As Clough departed McGugan asked the others, “Who was that?!”

“That,” Morgan answered, “was Nigel Clough. He was a Forest legend as a player and is currently manager of Derby”

“Well,” McGugan replied, “he knows f**k all about shark fishing. How’s the bait holding up?”

Edited by JoeyB
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JakeShingler

JakeShingler

Posted
Posted

A man with a black eye boards a plane & notices the man sat next to him has a shiner too. The first man says "How did you get that?" 2nd man replies "instead of asking the big breasted girl at the ticket counter for 2 tickets to Pittsburgh, I accidently asked for 2 pickets to tittsburgh. 1st man says "I got mine like that too!" I wanted to say to my wife "pour me a bowl of cereal please darling" but I accidently said "you've ruined my life you fat whore!"

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Asha

Asha

Posted
Posted
a girl goes up to a bloke, who has L and R on his wellies

'why've you got L and R on your wellies?' she asks

'so i remember to put them on the correct feet' says the chap

'ah' says the girl 'that must be why my pants have C&A on them then'

That Stephen Fry.

Quality.

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BoneDog

BoneDog

Posted
Posted (edited)

If we're goin back to the old school here's one for ya :

What's the difference between a creme egg and a prostitute?

You can lick a creme egg out for 34p

(not that anyone would put their tongue there with a prossy, unless it was ya Mrs of course)

Edited by El Empty
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l444ry

l444ry

Posted
Posted

Vet arrested for alleged racism.

After a particularly busy winter amputating the legs of stray moose, veterinarian Dr John Biggott made a phone call to his colleague. Little did he know the phone call was being taped by the CIA.

Dr Biggott is recorded as saying, "What am I going to do with all these goddam moose limbs?", to which his colleague told him to calm down and not do anything rash.

"Should I burn them?" he continued. His colleague warned that he could be arrested for this.

"But they're only moose limbs," he replied. At this his colleague called him a racist and hung up.

"What?" said Dr Biggott before the phone line went dead.

Dr Biggott is now in custody.

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Guest elianna

Guest elianna

Posted
Posted

Presidental Call

The President was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.

"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely to contain himself, "There's good news & bad news."

"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."

"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."

"Gosh, and the good news?"

"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters & piss oil."

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