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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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l444ry

l444ry

Posted
Posted

I bought a sat-nav the other day. What a useless piece of junk. I had it on as I drove around Woburn Safari Park. At one point it said "Now, bear left."

I looked left - It was a monkey having a wank. Looked nothing like a bear.

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hairy

hairy

Posted
Posted

My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7. "

David Beckham

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league."

Mark Viduka

"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had."

David Beckham

"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day."

Neville Southall

"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable."

Paul Gascoigne

"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well."

Alan Shearer

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona "

Mark Draper

"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out."

Peter Shilton

"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester "

Stan Collymore

"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham . My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing."

Ade Akinbiyi

"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match."

Ian Wright

"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier."

Ugo Ehiogu

" Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesbrough ."

Jonathan Woodgate

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."

Stuart Pearce

"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right."

Lee Hendrie

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country."

Ian Rush

" Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today."

Steve Lomas

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock."

Barry Venison

"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet."

David Beckham

"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European."

Phil Neville

"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed."

Mitchell Thomas

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."

Alan Shearer

"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd."

Johnny Giles

"Sometimes in football you have to score goals."

Thierry Henry

“I keep getting booked. I don’t think these German refs understand English”

David Thompson

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Smudge

Smudge

Posted
Posted

Welcome To ASDA

A very loud, fat, greasy, unattractive, chav type woman wearing a Middlesborough top walked into ASDA in Darlington with her two umpalumpa kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The ASDA greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning Madam, and welcome to ASDA. Nice children you have there; are they twins by any chance?"

The ugly fat woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Whye na, they're not twins yer twat; "The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7".

"Why the 'ell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, thick, stupid or just a cheese eater?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam". Replied the greeter, "'I just couldn't believe you've been shagged twice".

"Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at ASDA."

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Smudge

Smudge

Posted
Posted

A man had two of the best seats at the FA Cup final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?”

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away; this is the first Cup Final we haven't been together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head; "No. They're all at the funeral!"

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StanSP

StanSP

Posted
Posted
sorry in advance*

Elisabeth Fritz attended court this morning having eaten a full English Breakfast.

Pity nobody told her she still had Daddies sauce around her mouth.

Not great.

A man had two of the best seats at the FA Cup final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?”

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away; this is the first Cup Final we haven't been together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head; "No. They're all at the funeral!"

Great :D

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NewquayFox

NewquayFox

Posted
Posted

Paddy is struggling to find a parking slot and he is late for work, so he looks up to the Heavens and says "Lord help me find a slot and i promise to go to Church on Sundays and give up the booze! Just as he finishes praying a car pulls out of a slot in front of him so he looks up again and says "Its OK Lord i have found one" ;0) :giggle:

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Uncle Albert

Uncle Albert

Posted
Posted
**Warning**

Whats the difference between Jade Goody and this joke?

This joke wil get old....

Now thats comedy.

Me and my mates were wacking out the jokes earlier about Jade Goody and then one person took it to far and got the Madeline Mcann jokes out.

The sickest one was - 'Whats the difference between The Pope and Madeline Mcann?'

The Pope died a virgin.

I was nearlly sick.

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JakeShingler

JakeShingler

Posted
Posted
Now thats comedy.

Me and my mates were wacking out the jokes earlier about Jade Goody and then one person took it to far and got the Madeline Mcann jokes out.

The sickest one was - 'Whats the difference between The Pope and Madeline Mcann?'

The Pope died a virgin.

I was nearlly sick.

:crylaugh: :crylaugh:

>_<:whistle:

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