The joke thread

[Bilo]

A farmer has three daughters. They all want to go out with their beaus on Saturday night but the farmer insists that he meets the suiters first.

The first one arrives and knocks on the door and says,

"Hallo, my name's Joe, I've come to take Flo to the show, can she go?"

The farmer thinks he looks a likeable lad and insists Joe has her home by midnight.

The next knock of the door brings,

"Hi, my name is Hans, I come to take Nance to the dance any chance?"

The farmer thinks he's a smart lad so lets her go insisting Hans has her home by midnight.

At the next knock of the door the young man says,

"Hello, my name's Tucker"

The farmer says "Fook off".

[Father Ted]

Alan Shearer is looking to bring new faces into Newcastle. Ian Dowie has asked if he can have one.

[lavrentis]

Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains!

'Pull yourself together', the doctor said.

[StanSP]

My wife said to me that she wanted to have sex like they do on films

So we tried it, this time I fucked her up the ass, pulled out and came on here face.

Turns out we don't watch the same films!

------

My girlfriend said that her left leg was breakfast, and her right leg was lunch, and she said I could eat either one.

I said to her 'I like to eat in between meals'

[Guest]

What's the difference between alan shearer and newcastle united?

Alan shearer will be on match of the day next season

(probably already been posted but my mate just text it to me so I thought I'd share)

[lavrentis]

3 men walk into a bar.

After they drink a couple of beers they are ready to leave, but the bartender won't let them unless they have 12 inches of dick between them.

The first guy whips his out and shows 6 inches.

The second guy drops his pants and shows 5 inches.

Finally, the third guy shows his 1 inch dick.

The bartender says "Ok, thats 12 inches you can go".

As the're walking away the first guy sais to the third, "Thank god you had a boner or we'd still be there."

[hairy]

[General Smuts]

3 men walk into a bar and the whole thing pans out with a tedious inevitability ...

[StanSP]

I could watch that all day

[Bilo]

I want to be that man. If the don't teach that in the PGCE course, there may be tears.

[Bilo]

Man pulls wife into the bedroom and he rips off her clothes.

'Now darling, do a handstand against the full lenth mirror on the wall.'

'Hmmm,' she thinks. 'Kinky, I like it....'

She does the handstand and her husband pulls her legs apart and puts his chin on her snatch.

'The boys down the pub were right' He says, 'A goatie would suit me.'

[Monk]

did u hear about the bloke that lost an ear in a car accident and the hospital replaced it with a pigs ear but when he's on the phone all he could hear was 'crackling' haha

[Bilo]

Bloke walks home absolutely bladdered from the pub with a duck under his arm.

His wife is standing at the door with a face like thunder and the bloke says, 'This is the pig I've been shagging.'

The wife says, 'You drunken idiot! That's not a pig, it's a duck.'

The bloke replies 'I wasn't talking to you.'

[NewquayFox]

Just won a holiday to mexico, can`t go i`m pig sick. ;0)

[NewquayFox]

I think i have got `Swine Fever` i`m coming out in rashers. ;0)

[hairy]

[charliefox]

To anybody in Scotland that is suffering with fever, fatigue, muscle aches, dry mouth, breathing problems, cold sweats, shivers, shakes and hallucinations. Don’t panic, you do not have swine flu.

You need to call your drug dealer. That smack you bought earlier is wearing off.

Apparently the symptoms of swine flu are; sweating, excessive body odour and laziness.

No wonder it went unnoticed for so long in Mexico.

[charliefox]

Experts say that you can only get swine flu if you have been in contact with an infected pig. Jack Tweed must be shitting himself...

[JakeShingler]

Experts say that you can only get swine flu if you have been in contact with an infected pig. Jack Tweed must be shitting himself...

:crylaugh: :crylaugh: :crylaugh:

[NewquayFox]

My Missus just called me and said she is low on petrol and is too frightened to fill up in case she gets Swine flu, I said "its from Mexico not feckin Texaco" ;0)

[City Fan]

My Missus just called me and said she is low on petrol and is too frightened to fill up in case she gets Swine flu, I said "its from Mexico not feckin Texaco" ;0)

Congratulations.......worst joke I have heard in a long time!

[NewquayFox]

Love to hear some good ones then, so go on then CityFan ????

[StanSP]

My Missus just called me and said she is low on petrol and is too frightened to fill up in case she gets Swine flu, I said "its from Mexico not feckin Texaco" ;0)

Thought it was funny when my bro sent it to me.

And found it just as funny reading it again

[AmericanScott]

Not sure if these have been posted. I'm not digging through 95 pages.

Two vampires walk into a bar.

The first vampire orders his drink "I'll have a pint of blood please"

The second vampire orders his drink "I'll just have a cup of hot water please"

The first vampire looks at the second vampire and says "why did you get a cup of hot water?"

The second vampire pulls out a used tampon and dips into his cup and says

"I'm having tea"

Elton John wakes up next to his boyfriend and decides to go to the shops and get the morning paper

Elton says to his bf "no masturbating whilst i'm gone. I'll deal with you later babe "

So Elton goes to the shop and gets his paper

He returns and sees ejaculation everywhere.

"I thought i told you not to maturbate whilst i was at the shop" Elton said to his bf.

His bf replied "I didn't, i farted"

[Stinkenzo]

My Missus just called me and said she is low on petrol and is too frightened to fill up in case she gets Swine flu, I said "its from Mexico not feckin Texaco" ;0)

I've just changed my bluetooth name to 'I have swine flu'