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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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StanSP

StanSP

Posted
Posted

Everton have recently opened a club shop at the Liverpool One shopping centre. As they now have 2 club shops, the one at the ground is called Everton One and the one at the shopping centre is Everton Two. Therefore its address is

Everton Two, Liverpool One - Genius

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Bilo

Bilo

Posted
Posted

Butch and Jack are two dogs in the waiting room of a vets.

Butch says to Jack 'What are you in for then?' Jack replies, 'I mauled the postman last week so I'm going to put to sleep. What are you in for?'

'Last week, I saw my owner bending over the bath naked washing her hair, I was feeling a bit horny so I snuck up to her and rogered her doggy style.' explains Butch.

'Jesus,' says Jack, 'No wonder you're being put down.'

'I'm not,' says Butch, 'I'm here to have my nails clipped.'

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l444ry

l444ry

Posted
Posted

A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off. More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'

The Londoner looks down in horror. 'F***ING HELL!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????...

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JakeShingler

JakeShingler

Posted
Posted
A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off. More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'

The Londoner looks down in horror. 'F***ING HELL!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????...

:crylaugh:

Quality.

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AjcW

AjcW

Posted
Posted

Mrs. McGervey was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father O'Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. McGervey and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. McGervey, how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer lovin' hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.

I thought id stick to ones i didnt do myself lol lol

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skinnydipper

skinnydipper

Posted
Posted

Two men get drunk and visit a brothel.

The Madam takes one look at them and says to her manager;

"Go put inflatable dolls in the bedrooms, these guys are too old and drunk to notice."

During the walk home, the first man says, "I think my girl was dead. She didn't move or make a sound!"

The second guy says, "Could be worse, I think mine was a witch!" ....A witch? Why the HELL would you say that?

Well I gave her a little bite on the arse, she farted and flew out the window.

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skinnydipper

skinnydipper

Posted
Posted (edited)

At least Pete Doherty is never in danger of having his name shortened in the press like Susan Boyle has

I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

Unbelievable what some people are into.

Edited by skinnydipper
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Joe.

Joe.

Posted
Posted (edited)

*WARNING - RACIST *

A Mexican, an Arab, and an English man are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his no-alcohol beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The English man, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out his 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching his glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, he says,

'In England we have so many illegal immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

Edited by Joe.
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Bilo

Bilo

Posted
Posted

The Real Madrid president is invited to the Miss World competition.

He's sitting quietly when Miss Brazil comes over and says, 'I'm a big fan of Real Madrid, please sign my right breast!' He duly obliges, feeling mighty pleased with himself. A few minutes later, Miss Argentina comes over saying, 'I love Real! Please sign my left breast, it would be a great honour!' He doesn't need to be told twice and eagerly scrawls his name on her breast with marker pen.

Watching all this, and becoming increasingly jealous, is Miss Portugal. She decides to trump Brazil and Argentina by walking over, looking him straight in the eye and dropping her knickers. 'Please sign this!' she begs, pointing to her nether regions.

He looks at her in absolute disgust and says, 'Get out of my sight! Don't you know the last time I signed a Portuguese twat it cost me £80 million!'

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Father Ted

Father Ted

Posted
Posted
The Real Madrid president is invited to the Miss World competition.

He's sitting quietly when Miss Brazil comes over and says, 'I'm a big fan of Real Madrid, please sign my right breast!' He duly obliges, feeling mighty pleased with himself. A few minutes later, Miss Argentina comes over saying, 'I love Real! Please sign my left breast, it would be a great honour!' He doesn't need to be told twice and eagerly scrawls his name on her breast with marker pen.

Watching all this, and becoming increasingly jealous, is Miss Portugal. She decides to trump Brazil and Argentina by walking over, looking him straight in the eye and dropping her knickers. 'Please sign this!' she begs, pointing to her nether regions.

He looks at her in absolute disgust and says, 'Get out of my sight! Don't you know the last time I signed a Portuguese twat it cost me £80 million!'

Read that earlier but a Manure version lol

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Ultra

Ultra

Posted
Posted

An inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the following morning.

One of the prison guards asked the inmate if he wanted something special for his last meal. The inmate declined the offer.

Later, the prison guard asked the inmate if there was something special he wanted to do on his final day. Again, the inmate declined the offer.

The following morning, as the inmate was being put before the firing squad, the guard asked him if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it over with." "Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" asked the guard.

The inmate thought for a moment, then replied, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favourite song, from beginning to end, without any interruptions."

The guard nodded and agreed. "Go ahead," said the guard.

The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."

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