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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Father Ted

Father Ted

Posted
Posted
An inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the following morning.

One of the prison guards asked the inmate if he wanted something special for his last meal. The inmate declined the offer.

Later, the prison guard asked the inmate if there was something special he wanted to do on his final day. Again, the inmate declined the offer.

The following morning, as the inmate was being put before the firing squad, the guard asked him if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it over with." "Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" asked the guard.

The inmate thought for a moment, then replied, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favourite song, from beginning to end, without any interruptions."

The guard nodded and agreed. "Go ahead," said the guard.

The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."

Clever but not really a 'joke' is it??

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Ultra

Ultra

Posted
Posted

A redneck cowboy rides into a town on a hot blistering day riding his horse with his dog following.

He ties his horse and the dog under the shade of a tree and the redneck cowboy goes into the bar for a cold beer.

About 20 minutes later a policeman comes in and asks who owns the dog tied under the tree. The redneck cowboy tells him that it's his.

The policeman says, "Your dog is in heat".

The redneck cowboy answers, "No way the dog's in heat. He's cool, cause he's tied under the shade of the tree".

The policeman says, "No, you don't understand, your dog needs to be bred".

The redneck cowboy shakes his head and says, "No way the dog needs bread, he's not hungry, I gave him beef jerky this morning".

The policeman finally gets mad and says, "Look, your dog wants to have sex".

The redneck cowboy looks at him and says....

"Go ahead, I always wanted a police dog."

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JoeyB

JoeyB

Posted
Posted

Joke 1

After years of investigations into 9/11 the Americans found it wasn't Muslim terrorists who attacked the twin towers, it was 2 Irish builders fitting a door on the 44th floor.

the door wouldn't fit so Mick told Paddy to fetch a plane and take a bit off the top

Joke 2

My money is on the Met Police Fore bringing down the Air France flight, lets face it, it wouldn't be the first time they've shot something that sounds French and comes from Brazil

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DB11

DB11

Posted
Posted
Joke 1

After years of investigations into 9/11 the Americans found it wasn't Muslim terrorists who attacked the twin towers, it was 2 Irish builders fitting a door on the 44th floor.

the door wouldn't fit so Mick told Paddy to fetch a plane and take a bit off the top

:crylaugh:

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Fox You Forest

Fox You Forest

Posted
Posted

A man returns from the Amazon with a gift, he gives it to his wife and she opens it's..

" What the hell is this?" says the woman.

The man replies "It's a cock sucking frog"

" What the hell am i supposed to do with this?" the woman yells.

"Teach it to cook then fuck off" says the man.

Jeff and Jim are Siamese twins joined at the hip, they walk into a bar in New York and ask for a couple of beers, he serves them and asks,

"Have you guys been on vacation yet?"

They reply "no but we're going to England in a couple of weeks we go every year"

The barman says "England is great the history the culture and the Queen"

Jeff replies " shit we don't go for that, It's the only chance Jim gets to drive". >_<

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Father Ted

Father Ted

Posted
Posted
Jeff and Jim are Siamese twins joined at the hip, they walk into a bar in New York and ask for a couple of beers, he serves them and asks,

"Have you guys been on vacation yet?"

They reply "no but we're going to England in a couple of weeks we go every year"

The barman says "England is great the history the culture and the Queen"

Jeff replies " shit we don't go for that, It's the only chance Jim gets to drive". >_<

:giggle:

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Bilo

Bilo

Posted
Posted

BREAKING NEWS:

Real Madrid have withdrawn thier £80 million bid for Cristiano Ronaldo after it was discovered that big girl's blouses were available at Primark for £2.99.

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CupidStunt

CupidStunt

Posted
Posted (edited)

7 english and a irishman standing in a I.D parade for a suspected Rape charge

Woman walks in,and the Irishman jumps out and yells "Thats Her,the ungrateful fat bitch"

2 irishmen stand looking at a tall flagpole,with there aim to measure the Height from top to bottom, There step ladders dont reach,so they stand there puzzled

Englishman walks up and asks them what they are doing, they explain, and with that, the englishman takes down the pole, lays it on the floor and measures it,and gives them the answer,and off he goes on his way

First irishman says to the other "Typical englishman, we ask for the height,and he gives us the bloody length"

Edited by CupidStunt
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StanSP

StanSP

Posted
Posted (edited)

89 things women do:

1. Know anything about a car except its colour.

2. Understand a film plot.

3. Go 24 hours without sending a text message.

4. Lift.

5. Throw.

6. Run.

7. Park.

8. Fart.

9. Read a map.

10. Rob a bank.

11. Resist Ikea.

12. Sit still.

13. Tell a joke.

14. Play pool.

15. Pay for dinner.

16. Eat a kebab whilst walking.

17. Pee out of a train window.

18. Argue without shouting.

19. Get told off without crying.

20. Understand fruit machines.

21. Walk past a shoe shop.

22. Make a decent bacon sandwich.

23. Not comment on strangers clothes.

24. Use small amounts of toilet paper.

25. Let you sleep with a hangover.

26. Drink a pint gracefully.

27. Get a round in.

28. Throw a punch.

29. Do magic.

30. Like your friends.

31. Enjoy porn.

32. Eat a really hot curry.

33. Get to the point.

34. Buy plain envelopes.

35. Take less than 20 minutes in the toilet.

36. Sit in a room for five minutes without saying "I'm cold."

37. Go shopping without phoning 20 mates.

38. Avoid credit card debt.

39. Dive into a pool.

40. Assemble furniture.

41. Roll a bogey between finger and thumb.

42. Set a video recorder.

43. Not try and change you.

44. Watch a war film.

45. Understand why flirting results in violence.

46. Spend a day by themselves.

47. Go to the toilet by themselves.

48. Buy a purse that fits in their pocket.

49. Choose a video quickly.

50. Conserve electricity, water or any other form of energy.

51. Admit they are wrong.

52. Not try and undermine you.

53. Let you make your own decisions.

54. Agree with you.

55. Use common sense.

56. Make a major change to the world for the better with an invention.

57. Construct a floor plan.

58. Remember something that isn't for them.

59. Win something.

60. Walk out of a store with stuff they didn't plan to get before they walked in there.

61. Get something done right the first time.

62. Call anyone 'mate'.

63. Stay in the Kitchen.

64. Stay quiet for longer than one minute.

65. Find Madeline McCann.

66. Cook.

67. Stop making their husbands lives hell.

68. Get married and still give a blowjob.

69. Have their money ready before they get on the bus.

70. Clean out a tropical fish tank.

71. Get ready in the morning without making a racket.

72. Choose suitable footwear.

73. Post lists and pretend they're jokes.

74. Compliment other women.

75. Find your mates are good company for you.

76. Take it up the arse without moaning about it beforehand.

77. Open a jar.

78. Ask you to open a jar without then making a comment such as 'I loosened it for you'.

79. Keep track of something and not lose it.

80. Listen.

81. Make a right decision other than having sex with you.

82. Be the best.

83. Win five Olympic gold medals without steroids.

84. Interact with anyone they haven't known for at least a year.

85. Light farts.

86. Get this far without having argued with at least 1 of the above.

87. Drive.

88. Find a way out of a cellar.

89. Find your car keys.

Edited by FoxForever
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