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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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davieG

davieG

Posted
Posted
89 things women do:

1. Know anything about a car except its colour.

2. Understand a film plot.

3. Go 24 hours without sending a text message.

4. Lift.

5. Throw.

6. Run.

7. Park.

8. Fart.

9. Read a map.

10. Rob a bank.

11. Resist Ikea.

12. Sit still.

13. Tell a joke.

14. Play pool.

15. Pay for dinner.

16. Eat a kebab whilst walking.

17. Pee out of a train window.

18. Argue without shouting.

19. Get told off without crying.

20. Understand fruit machines.

21. Walk past a shoe shop.

22. Make a decent bacon sandwich.

23. Not comment on strangers clothes.

24. Use small amounts of toilet paper.

25. Let you sleep with a hangover.

26. Drink a pint gracefully.

27. Get a round in.

28. Throw a punch.

29. Do magic.

30. Like your friends.

31. Enjoy porn.

32. Eat a really hot curry.

33. Get to the point.

34. Buy plain envelopes.

35. Take less than 20 minutes in the toilet.

36. Sit in a room for five minutes without saying "I'm cold."

37. Go shopping without phoning 20 mates.

38. Avoid credit card debt.

39. Dive into a pool.

40. Assemble furniture.

41. Roll a bogey between finger and thumb.

42. Set a video recorder.

43. Not try and change you.

44. Watch a war film.

45. Understand why flirting results in violence.

46. Spend a day by themselves.

47. Go to the toilet by themselves.

48. Buy a purse that fits in their pocket.

49. Choose a video quickly.

50. Conserve electricity, water or any other form of energy.

51. Admit they are wrong.

52. Not try and undermine you.

53. Let you make your own decisions.

54. Agree with you.

55. Use common sense.

56. Make a major change to the world for the better with an invention.

57. Construct a floor plan.

58. Remember something that isn't for them.

59. Win something.

60. Walk out of a store with stuff they didn't plan to get before they walked in there.

61. Get something done right the first time.

62. Call anyone 'mate'.

63. Stay in the Kitchen.

64. Stay quiet for longer than one minute.

65. Find Madeline McCann.

66. Cook.

67. Stop making their husbands lives hell.

68. Get married and still give a blowjob.

69. Have their money ready before they get on the bus.

70. Clean out a tropical fish tank.

71. Get ready in the morning without making a racket.

72. Choose suitable footwear.

73. Post lists and pretend they're jokes.

74. Compliment other women.

75. Find your mates are good company for you.

76. Take it up the arse without moaning about it beforehand.

77. Open a jar.

78. Ask you to open a jar without then making a comment such as 'I loosened it for you'.

79. Keep track of something and not lose it.

80. Listen.

81. Make a right decision other than having sex with you.

82. Be the best.

83. Win five Olympic gold medals without steroids.

84. Interact with anyone they haven't known for at least a year.

85. Light farts.

86. Get this far without having argued with at least 1 of the above.

87. Drive.

88. Find a way out of a cellar.

89. Find your car keys.

:dunno:

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Father Ted

Father Ted

Posted
Posted

andy murray during the French Open: The most promising tennis player in Britain.

andy murray after the French Open: Useless, goofy Scottish twat.

Susan Boyle during Britain's Got Talent: Worldwide-renowned British talent.

Susan Boyle after Britain's Got Talent: Deformed, brain-dead Scottish munter.

Gordon Brown before becoming PM: One-eyed, Scottish willy puller.

Gordon Brown after becoming PM: One-eyed, Scottish willy puller.

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Unknown Fox

Unknown Fox

Posted
Posted
andy murray during the French Open: The most promising tennis player in Britain.

andy murray after the French Open: Useless, goofy Scottish twat.

Susan Boyle during Britain's Got Talent: Worldwide-renowned British talent.

Susan Boyle after Britain's Got Talent: Deformed, brain-dead Scottish munter.

Gordon Brown before becoming PM: One-eyed, Scottish willy puller.

Gordon Brown after becoming PM: One-eyed, Scottish willy puller.

:giggle:

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DB11

DB11

Posted
Posted
A Summary of Life:

Great truths learned by little children:

1 - No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.

2 - When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3 - If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.. They always catch the second person.

4 - Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5 - You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6 - Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7 - Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8 - You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9 - Don't wear polk a-dot underwear under white shorts.

10 - The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

Great Truths learned by Adults:

1 - Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

2 - Wrinkles don't hurt.

3 - Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4 - Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5 - Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6 - Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Great Truths about growing old:

1 - Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2 - Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3 - When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4 - You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5 - It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6 - Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7 - Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

The Four Stages of Life:

1 - You believe in Santa Claus.

2 - You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3 - You are Santa Claus.

4 - You look like Santa Claus.

Success:

At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.

At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's licence..

At age 35 success is . . . Having money.

At age 50 success is . . . Having money.

At age 70 success is . . . Having a drivers licence.

At age 75 success is . . . Having friends..

At age 80 success is . . . Not piddling in your pants.

:dunno:

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davieG

davieG

Posted
Posted
:dunno:

5 - It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

That should read:

5 - It's frustrating when you know all the answers but you can't recall them.

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DB11

DB11

Posted
Posted
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
What's the biggest cause of paedophilia in this country?

Sexy kids.

Like most people my age,

I'm 18.
I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

Unbelievable what some people are into.

Oh dear.

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DB11

DB11

Posted
Posted

Many years ago when I was twenty three

I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be

This widow had a grownup daughter who had hair of red

My father fell in love with her and soon the two were wed

This made my Dad my son-in-law and changed my very life

My daughter was my mother,for she was my fathers wife

To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy

I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to Dad

And so became my uncle though it made me very sad

For if he was my uncle , then that also made him brother

To the widow's grown up daughter, who of course was my step mother

Father's wife then had a son who kept them on the run

So he became my grandson for he was my daughters son

My wife is now my mothers mother and this makes me blue

Because although she is my wife she is my grandma too

If my wife is my grandmother ,then I am her grandchild

And every time I think of it,it simply drives me wild

For now I have become the the strangest case you've ever saw

As the husband of my grandmother , I am my own Grandpa.....

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skinnydipper

skinnydipper

Posted
Posted
At least Pete Doherty is never in danger of having his name shortened in the press like Susan Boyle has

I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

Unbelievable what some people are into.

I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

Unbelievable what some people are into.

Jokes are always funnier second time round ;)

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Tabou

Tabou

Posted
Posted

I was walking around Knightsbridge yesterday and I saw Didier Drogba coming out of Harrods. Although I can't fooking stand the bloke, I thought here's a good opportunity to make a few quid on eBay. So I ran up to him and asked him for his autograph and he was kind enough to oblige.

I never realised his real name was Venus Williams.

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