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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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General Smuts

General Smuts

Posted
Posted
Apparently Man City are going to be sponsored by telecom giants 118 this season.

Very apt really as, with the players they've bought, that's about the only formation they can play!

Given

Richards

Ireland

Adebayor

Tevez

Bellamy

Santa Cruz

Bojinov

Robinho

Benjani

Caicedo

Could work.

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Ultra

Ultra

Posted
Posted

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, leathered bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."

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Ultra

Ultra

Posted
Posted

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check.

As he did so, a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from, just in time to notice a young woman looking down.

"Is this yours?" he asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

On his arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. Because she was very attractive, he agreed.

Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner--there's plenty. Would you like to join me?"

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.

As the evening was drawing to a close, the lady said, "I've had a marvellous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"

The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"

"No," she replied. "Only those who catch my eye."

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Phube

Phube

Posted
Posted (edited)
The following are actual stories from actual American Travel Agents

I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.

"I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

May be false, but make me giggle! :giggle:

Edited by Phube
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Mickey O'Neil

Mickey O'Neil

Posted
Posted

This weekend saw Norwich City equal their worst ever defeat, slumping to a 7-1 home thrashing at the hands of Colchester United.

One young fan was heard on the phone to his sister, saying "Mum I couldn't believe it, if they conceded any more I'd have had to count them on my other hand..."

:whistle: :whistle:

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