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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Bilo

Bilo

Posted
Posted
I can’t understand why Boyzone fans are upset by jokes about Stephen Gately. It’s only words...

There was a wee singer called Gately

Who hasn't been singing much lately

After a bottle of rum

And a cock up his bum

His trip to the sun ended fatally.

What’s pink and goes round and round on a carousel?

Stephen Gately's suitcase.

Probably the sickest most horrible joke i've heard in ages, for the love of god DO NOT READ if you have a moral compass:

Whats the difference bewteen a Train Carriage and a Miscarriage? You can't eat a train carriage

Beyond sick but lol.

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skinnydipper

skinnydipper

Posted
Posted (edited)

A post mortem on Stephen Gately has revealed that the singer was found to have dried fruit stuffed up his rectum

The cause of death was revealed as date rape

The post mortem report on Stephen Gately states that his death was caused by him having been on a bender

Edited by skinnydipper
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JoeyB

JoeyB

Posted
Posted

One day, Jack says to Mike "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd

> better see a doctor!"

>

> "Listen mate ; don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike

> replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine

> sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do

> about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot

> quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points".

>

> So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.

> He deposits £5 and the computer lights up and asks for the urine

> sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

>

> Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis

> elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will

> improve in two weeks".

>

> That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack

> began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

>

> He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples

> from his wife and daughter, and "pleasured himself" into the mixture

> for good measure.

>

> Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen, he

> deposits £5, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a

> grin.

>

> The computer prints the following:

>

> 1) Your tap water is too hard.. Get a water softener.

>

> 2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

>

> 3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

>

> 4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

>

> 5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never

> get better.....

>

> Thank you for shopping at Tesco

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l444ry

l444ry

Posted
Posted

Two Irishmen and a Blonde

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the bloody height of this flagpole, but we don't have a bloody ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy: 'Isn't that just like a blonde! ........We need the bloody height and she gives us the bloody length.'

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