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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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AoWW

AoWW

Posted
Posted
I'd like to visit this place one day.

Like a staff room at school. Forbidden from any normal kids lol.

It's overrated. Draughty, shite coffee and full of stained chintz furnishings. I keep nagging Mark to redecorate it but it seems the draylon sofas were his Gran's and his Mum knitted the toilet roll cover so........ :dunno::|

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z-layrex

z-layrex

Posted
Posted (edited)

Sorry if repost!

A guy is in Tesco's waiting in the basket line, there is a girl about his age standing in front of him in the queue. He sneaks a peek at the contents of her basket, and he sees a small bottle of red wine, a macaroni & cheese meal for 1 and an apple pie for 1. Eventually he gets up the courage to to say to her "excuse me, I hope i'm not being too forward here, but you're single aren't you?" The girl blushes, brushes back her hair and smiles at the young guy, saying "hehe yeah how did you know?!"

He smiles back at her, and then shouts:

"BECAUSE YOU'RE FU*K UGLY!

Edited by z-layrex
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samlcfc

samlcfc

Posted
Posted
Sorry if repost!

A guy is in Tesco's waiting in the basket line, there is a girl about his age standing in front of him in the queue. He sneaks a peek at the contents of her basket, and he sees a small bottle of red wine, a macaroni & cheese meal for 1 and an apple pie for 1. Eventually he gets up the courage to to say to her "excuse me, I hope i'm not being too forward here, but you're single aren't you?" The girl blushes, brushes back her hair and smiles at the young guy, saying "hehe yeah how did you know?!"

He smiles back at her, and then shouts:

"BECAUSE YOU'RE FU*K UGLY!

:D

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NewquayFox

NewquayFox

Posted
Posted

Might have been posted before but it made me laugh. :crylaugh:

53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a 'Geordies Are Not Stupid' convention.'

Alan Shearer addresses the crowd.. 'We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?'

Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

Shearer asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?' After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, 'Eighteen!'

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Geordies start chanting 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Shearer says 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance. So he asks 'What is 5 plus 5?'

After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, 'Ninety?'

Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.

Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying.

But then the 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting ' Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, 'What is 2 plus 2? 'Silence hangs over the stadium.

Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?'

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance! ;0) :giggle:

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Zingari

Zingari

Posted
Posted

This is supposedly a real letter sent to David Milliband. :D

NIGEL JOHNSON-HILL, PARKFARM, MILLAND, LIPHOOK GU30 7JT

Rt Hon David Miliband MP

Secretary of State.

Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA),

Nobel House

17 Smith Square

London

SW1P 3JR

16 July 2009

Dear Secretary of State,

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs.. I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.

I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?

As I see it, the hardest pan of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?

My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.

If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases?

Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear?

I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits.

I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.

Yours faithfully,

Nigel Johnson-Hill

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