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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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whitlock

whitlock

Posted
Posted

So, katie price:

Built a career with no talent what-so-ever...

Signed magazine deals...

Done reality TV...

Had a couple of kids...

Brought out a book...

Loved and hated by the nation...

Married a complete and utter ****...

Hopefully we'll not have to wait much longer for

cervical cancer to set in

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StanSP

StanSP

Posted
Posted
So, katie price:

Built a career with no talent what-so-ever...

Signed magazine deals...

Done reality TV...

Had a couple of kids...

Brought out a book...

Loved and hated by the nation...

Married a complete and utter ****...

Hopefully we'll not have to wait much longer for

cervical cancer to set in

Didn't find that funny to be honest :dunno:

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DB11

DB11

Posted
Posted

Imagine if all retailers started making there own condoms & kept there own slogan

Tesco condoms, every little helps.

Nike condoms, just do it.

Peugot condoms, the ride of your life.

KFC condoms, finger lickin good.

Duracell condoms, just keep going & going & going.

Pringles condoms, once u pop u cant stop.

Burger king condoms, Home of the whopper.

Andrex condoms, soft strong & very long.

Mcdonalds condoms, im loving it.

Polo condoms, the one with the whole in it... OH fook

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Bilo

Bilo

Posted
Posted

Why is Elisabeth Fritzl looking forward to Christmas this year?

Her present won't be coming from Daddy's sack this year.

Imagine my joy when I was getting out the Christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box.

Such a pity it was a puppy.

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General Smuts

General Smuts

Posted
Posted
Why is Elisabeth Fritzl looking forward to Christmas this year?

Her present won't be coming from Daddy's sack this year.

Imagine my joy when I was getting out the Christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box.

Such a pity it was a puppy.

I've just woken the missus up laughing so hard. Hero.

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Ford Super Sunday

Ford Super Sunday

Posted
Posted

NOTE: Shamelessly stolen from elsewhere, but delt the need to share

Can someone please help me with my Call of Duty 4: French Edition?

It just loads up to the menu screen, and the only option is 'Quit'.

My daughter is a lot like Sickipedia. I tend to come on it when no one is looking.

My friend saw me looking a bit distressed and asked me what was wrong. "Would you forgive me if you found out I was a thief?" I asked.

"Of course I would mate, we've been best mates for years, I wouldn't give a ****," he quickly replied.

"Ok, but would you forgive me if you found out I was a rapist?"

He thought about it for a minute, and said, "Look, you're my best mate, but I don't think I could ever forgive someone for rape, it's too horrible."

"In that case," I responded, "I stole your daughters virginity."

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General Smuts

General Smuts

Posted
Posted

What Do You Call A Hooker With A Runny Nose?

Full

----

A guy was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he asked the doctor how he could cure the problem. The doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself.” The guy thinks “Gunshots are pretty scary,” so he buys a starter pistol on his way home. When he gets there, he is surprised and delighted to find his wife already naked in bed. He's so horny and eager to try out this new method, he strips off and leaps in with her. After a few minutes foreplay, they‘re in the 69 position. Sure enough, the guy soon feels the urge to come. Following doctors orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.

The next day, he goes back to the doctor, who asks "How did my suggestion go?"

The guy angrily answers "Awful – when I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face and bit two inches off my cock; to cap it all, my brother came out of the wardrobe naked with his hands up!"

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General Smuts

General Smuts

Posted
Posted

A woman is given a hospital tour. She looks in a room and see's a man wanking.

"That's awful" she says to the doctor. He explains that the man has an incurable condition. His testicals fill with semen so fast he has to do it at least 5 times a day or he will be in terrible pain.

"Poor man" says the woman.

In the next room a nurse is sucking a mans cock. "Explain that!" she says to the doctor.

The doctor says "Same condition but he's with BUPA".

---

What's the difference between Tampons and the French?

Nothing; they're both stuck up cunts.

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Bilo

Bilo

Posted
Posted (edited)

Statistically...........2 out of 3 people in the Gillette ad are cheating bastards.

This prisoner escapes after 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and food, and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair and he ties the wife to the bed, and gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He's probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain and do what he tells you, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably really dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, and thought you were cute. He asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom, so I told him where to find it. Be strong, darling. I love you, too."

Edited by Bilo
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