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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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hairy

hairy

Posted
Posted

My Job Is Unbelievable!

I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless.

The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up.

She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself.

She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.

Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.

I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts.

I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fooking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead.

In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work.

He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years, and he's only 22.

He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fooking dog to work.

Every fooking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke.

Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing.

Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King, every single fooking day.

Anyway, I drive these ****tards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

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Facecloth

Facecloth

Posted
Posted

Beware of this latest scam !!!

This is serious. Please BEWARE! Over the last month I became a victim of a professional scam while out shopping :(

Simply dropping into Morrisons for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic.

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen. It's impossible not to look especially with all the rain we have been having. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another store, in my case, Tesco on the other side of town. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also November 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this coming weekend, so Be Warned!

P.S. Aldi have wallets on sale for £1.99 each

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ACF

ACF

Posted
Posted

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynaecologist. The doctor

takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of

the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he

begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does he says to the woman: "Do you know what I`m doing ?"

"Y...es," she says, "you`re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"Correct," says the doctor.

He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I`m doing now", he says.

"Yes," says the woman, "you`re checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"That`s right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to

having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants "what I`m

doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."

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Wycombe Fox

Wycombe Fox

Posted
Posted

During a recent password audit at Bank Of Ireland it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyBerlin

When asked why he had such a long password, he said

"Oi was told it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital"

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skinnydipper

skinnydipper

Posted
Posted

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

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l444ry

l444ry

Posted
Posted

A guy goes into the confessional box

A guy goes into the confessional box. He finds on one wall a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.

Then the priest comes in. “Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days.” The priest replies “Get out. You’re on my side.”

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Salieri

Salieri

Posted
Posted

A guy goes to visit his pal at work. "Wow!" he says "You're new secretary's beautiful". "Thanks, but she's a robot, if you squeeze her left tit she takes dictation, squeeze her right tit, she types a letter and you can spread her legs and shag her any time you want!"

"Can I borrow her a moment?" says the man and drags her to the store cupboard. After a few minutes, the guy hears screaming coming from the cupboard. "Oh, I forgot to tell you her arse is a pencil sharpener!"

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Father Christmas

Father Christmas

Posted
Posted

1. The Rocking Song

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;

We will lend a coat of fur,

We will rock you, rock you, rock you,

We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

2. Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow

In a one horse open sleigh

O'er the fields we go

Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

3. While Shepherds Watched

While shepherds watched

Their flocks by night

All seated on the ground

The angel of the Lord came down

And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, tools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts. Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.

4. Rudolph the red nosed reindeer

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer

had a very shiny nose.

And if you ever saw him,

you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

5. Little Donkey

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road

Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

6. We Three Kings

We three kings of Orient are

Bearing gifts we traverse afar

Field and fountain, moor and mountain

Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher. We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.

Away in a Manger No Crib for a bed – Social Services???????

Merry Fuking Christmas

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caz123

caz123

Posted
Posted

A bloke is sunbathing with nothing on only a hat covering his penis

Two women walk past and one says "if you were a gentleman you would lift your hat to a lady"

The bloke replies "if you werent so effing ugly the hat would lift itself"

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