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Amusing News Stories

By James., in General Chat

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Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted (edited)

From Tombstone Humour by Richard De'ath

 

The occupant of a local cemetery was declared the winner of an election in Texas in november 1982.

The unhappy loser of the poll was a Republican politician, J.Everett Ware, who was defeated in the election

for the South Central Texas Districy. It was revealed after the count that the winner was Democratic Senator Wilson...

who had been dead for six weeks.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Acording to Google the loser died in 2010. That's evened the contest up. He was a devout Christan so the vote count might be rigged.

Edited by Rincewind
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DANGEROUS TIGER

DANGEROUS TIGER

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Posted

http://www.sundaysport.com/?p=11661

 

 

jackomain.jpg

By SIMON DEAN

HE may have been dead almost four years – but Michael Jackson remains pop’s most controversial figure. And his reputation for the outlandish grew last night after an outraged pet owner revealed his MONKEY had been BUMMED by the GHOST of the late prancing paedophile.

Primate fan Brian Clowes, who along with wife Beryl keeps two macaques at his Crewe, Cheshire, home – said: “If I could get my hands on the ghost of Michael Jackson I’d wring its perverted otherworldly neck. “Unfortunately, due to the very nature of ghosts, that would be impossible.

But I’d certainly give it a ruddy good exorcism, or something.†Retired logistics manager Brian, 66, said he was woken on Monday evening by a ballyhoo from the converted garage where he keeps his monkeys – Elspeth and Silas.

He said: “We normally don’t get a peep out of them after dark but they were howling and screeching so I went downstairs to have a look. “In some ways, I wish I hadn’t. I opened the door to the garage and Silas was being bummed by what I can only describe as a sort of glowing, shadowy thing. It was obviously a ghost. “The spook looked at me and that’s when it hit me – it was Michael Jackson and it was making that bizarre ‘woo-hoo’ noise that Jacko used to make.

“Then it suddenly disappeared. It was the most disturbing thing I have ever seen but I imagine it was more troubling for Silas and his poor monkey bottom.†Brian, who admits he’d been drinking “a bit†on Monday night, said he came to Sunday Sport to warn other monkey owners their pets were at risk of non-consensual buggery by the ghost of Jacko. The attack on Silas would seem to confirm that e m o t i o n a l l y retarded sexual oddball Jackson had formed an “unnaturally close†relationship while alive with his own pet monkey, Bubbles.

Bumming monkeys is not the only escapade that Jacko’s ghost has been getting up to, it would appear. Earlier this month it was reported during the Jackson family’s ongoing £26bn damages claim trial that Lionel Richie’s ex-wife contacted Jacko’s spirit.

The ghost of the singer, who died in 2009, ‘told’ Brenda he “accidentally killed himself†The reports made no mention of any monkey bumming antics.

Michael Jackson always did make a monkey out of himself.  :rolleyes:

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The Doctor

The Doctor

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http://rt.com/business/man-outsmarts-banks-wins-court-221/

 


A Russian man who decided to write his own small print in a credit card contract has had his changes upheld in court. He's now suing the country's leading online bank for more than 24 million rubles ($727,000) in compensation.

Disappointed by the terms of the unsolicited offer for a credit card from Tinkoff Credit Systems in 2008, a  42-year-old Dmitry Agarkov from the city of Voronezh decided to hand write his own credits terms.

The trick was that Agarkov simply scanned the bank’s document and ‘amended’ the small print with his own terms.

He opted for a 0 percent interest rate and no fees, adding that the customer "is not obliged to pay any fees and charges imposed by bank tariffs." The bank, however, didn’t read ‘the amendments’, as it signed and certified the document, as well as sent the man a credit card. Under the agreement, the bank OK'd to provide unlimited credit, according to Agarkov’s lawyer Dmitry Mikhalevich talking to Kommersant daily. 

"The opened credit line was unlimited. He could afford to buy an island somewhere in Malaysia, and the bank would have to pay for it by law," Mikhalevich added. 

Agarkov also changed the URL of the site where the terms and conditions were published and hedged against the bank’s breaking of the agreement. For each unilateral change in the terms provided in the agreement, the bank would be asked to pay the customer (Agarkov) 3 million rubles ($91,000), or a cancelation fee of 6 million rubles ($182,000). 

However, after two years of active use, the bank decided to terminate Agarkov's credit card  because of overdue payments. In 2012, the bank sued Agarkov for 45,000 rubles ($1,363) - an amount that included the remaining balance, fees, and late payment charges, which violated the actual agreement. The court decided that the agreement Agarkov crafted was valid, and required him to settle only his balance of 19,000 rubles ($575). 

The bankers had to admit the mistake, says Agarkov’s representative  Dmitry Mikhalevich. 

"They signed the documents without looking. They said what usually their borrowers say in court: 'We have not read it,'†says Mikhalevich. 

Despite the victory, Agarkov decided to sue Tinkoff Credit Systems for fines of 24 million rubles ($727,000) for not honoring the terms of the agreement, and the decision to terminate the contract without paying 6 million rubles ($182,000) fee. 

"Our lawyers think, he is going to get not 24 million, but really four years in prison for fraud. Now it's a matter of principle for @ tcsbank,†founder of the bank Oleg Tinkov tweeted.

“We don’t have small print, everything is clear and transparent. Try to open a card - then we'll talk. Stealing is a sin - in my opinion, of course. Not all in Russia think so,†Tinkov tweeted. 

The next hearing will be held in September.

 

Conning a bank back, I like the cut of his jib.

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The Year Of The Fox

The Year Of The Fox

Posted
Posted

Fruit challenge

Finally, the Sunday Times gives details of a study suggesting one in five people in Scotland think jam counts as one of the five daily portions of fruit and vegetables doctors recommend everyone should eat.

The paper says that, with the ingredients of some jams being up to two-thirds sugar and less than a quarter fruit, it is not hard to see why Scotland is one of the most obese nations in the world.

The findings come from the Food Standards Agency, which tells the Times "clearly we still have work to do".

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The Year Of The Fox

The Year Of The Fox

Posted
Posted

Fruit challenge

Finally, the Sunday Times gives details of a study suggesting one in five people in Scotland think jam counts as one of the five daily portions of fruit and vegetables doctors recommend everyone should eat.

The paper says that, with the ingredients of some jams being up to two-thirds sugar and less than a quarter fruit, it is not hard to see why Scotland is one of the most obese nations in the world.

The findings come from the Food Standards Agency, which tells the Times "clearly we still have work to do".

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What was she doing at MacDonalds anyway? I''m sure she could afford better than a Bic Mac. Wouldn't she have servants who could prepare a home made one if she was that desperate.

What was she doing at MacDonalds anyway? I''m sure she could afford better than a Bic Mac. Wouldn't she have servants who could prepare a home made one if she was that desperate.

She should've just shot and ate the horse. No different to a Bigmac

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Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted

Ever had a boss who scared you so much you thought you might wet yourself? Well these Honduras workers do, quite literally. They have been forced to wear adult nappies all day, and use the toilet where they sit, because too many toilet breaks will get them fired. The Korean-owned Kyungshin Lear plant’s bosses are allegedly bullying their workforce, who are only paid 66p an hour, so much they are too scared to even move from their stations. The Honduran Manufacturers Association strongly deny the allegations but is now under investigation by US trade unions.

 

 

 

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James.

James.

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Kind of defeats the point though to have it in the local paper, but it did make me smile.

 

Quite hard to tell but is your photo one of those chaps at Glasto shooting bolts of electricity out of his hands?

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Guest

Guest

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Posted

Not amusing, but it rather disproves my theory that karma doesn't exist.......

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2408978/Manchester-rapist-Richard-Thomas-told-contracted-HIV-victim.html

As much as I enjoy seeing a complete bastard get what he deserves, I hate clicking on a daily mail link. Feels like I'm contributing to the downfall of society when I provide them with extra traffic

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21st Century Fox

21st Century Fox

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Posted

 

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He's not the usual kind of character spotted alone on the streets of a quiet English town.

But residents in Northampton have become increasingly spooked by this clown figure who keeps popping up at night in their town centre.

The sinister figure - dressed like the clown from Stephen King's horror film, 'It', sports a frizzy red wig and full costume when he waves at passers-by.

One woman even reported the clown had knocked on her front door and offered to paint her windowsills - despite having no equipment on him.

There has been no explanation for the sudden night-time appearances of the joker, but he has even set up a Facebook group detailing his bizarre exploits.

He signs off each update with 'beep beep' - the notorious Stephen King character's catchphrase.

Since his first appearance on Friday 13th the clown has sparked a raft of speculation among worried locals who fear he may be up to no good.

Other residents have even threatened to ATTACK the evil-looking clown if they ever see him across the East Midlands town.

But he has since taken to social networks to defend his actions and says he just 'wants to be spotted.'

He wrote: 'Too much hate not enough love.

 

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'To prove i'm real to all the lovers and doubters, i'll see you in town today. Keep those eyes peeled.

'I don't terrorise people I just want to be spotted.

'I'm also 'not' on twitter as it confuses the heck out of me.

'However, i might go for a jog around that pond in Abington park later as i'm really unfit... See you around! Beep Beep!'

9953cd01-399d-428a-8c78-77467ff77d06_NTI

Residents in Northampton have so far been unable to unmask the mysterious clown. (SWNS/Facebook)

 

The Northampton Clown has been spotted in several locations across the town since he first appeared on Friday.

Since then he has been snapped by locals clutching a set of juggling clubs and even colourful balloons in one shot.

The most recent shot, taken on Sunday evening, showed him stood in the middle of a shopping district at around 11pm.

In a caption to the shot he wrote: 'Beep Beep! Didn't think i'd be seen tonight. Extremely quiet but there were a few of you who saw. See you all around.'

Some social network users with coulrophobia - a fear of clowns - have pleaded with him to stop.

Others say they are simply 'freaked out' by his late night appearances.

Kelly Keen wrote:  'You've been spotted now get out of the clown suit and start acting like a grown up that you supposing are and stop scaring people as some people do have real fears of clowns and you are terrorising them despite what you may say.'

However, others praised the prankster for creating a talking point among locals and providing local mystery.

Jay Gould wrote: 'Poor clown just trying to liven up Northampton and people threatening to hurt him.'

Jessica Maffre (corr) wrote: 'Loving all this, it's brightened up boring old Northampton a treat, people need to stop taking things so serious and just enjoy the fun, don't try and ruin it, and please dont be violent towards the clown.'

Northamptonshire Police confirmed they had received calls from members of the public reporting three clown-related sightings over the weekend.

However, they said no crimes had been reported involving people dressed as clowns or any arrests been made in connection with the clown sightings.

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