Funny things your wife says

[Haydos]

I'll be honest guys it took a while to explain that you cant really set and alarm when your in the fecking house as you would set it off but when the penny finally dropped she was pretty embarrassed!

You can If you go to bed and the sensors are downstairs.

[SOCCERROO FOX]

Easy Fella's

New to the forum

Thought i'd offer this one up from my better half.

Whilst sat in the hope and anchor having a beer and watching the golf at the weekend i stupidly started talking golf with her

I said i hoped Clarke would win. Her response was " i dont want that irish twat clarke to win, i fecking hate the irish. I want that Michael Roy to win, i like him"

I was like who the **** is Michael Roy, she was like that fuzzy haired bloke from england that won the last one.

Needless to say she doesn't like Mcilroy now

Brilliant and the fact Michael Roy is Irish aswell

[AjcW]

You can If you go to bed and the sensors are downstairs.

They're everywhere

[CKB]

Easy Fella's

New to the forum

Thought i'd offer this one up from my better half.

Whilst sat in the hope and anchor having a beer and watching the golf at the weekend i stupidly started talking golf with her

I said i hoped Clarke would win. Her response was " i dont want that irish twat clarke to win, i fecking hate the irish. I want that Michael Roy to win, i like him"

I was like who the **** is Michael Roy, she was like that fuzzy haired bloke from england that won the last one.

Needless to say she doesn't like Mcilroy now

That is fantastic

[ACF]

So ive just moved into a new house in Notts.

Girlfriend comes up to visit for the first time, little bit scared, its quite a big dark old place etc.

"Have you locked all the doors"

"Yes!!"

"Are you sure"

"Yes!!"

The next statement was said with 100 percent seriousness....

"Have you set the alarm??"

"...... *Fits of laughter, almost crying"

"Whats funny???"

I'll be honest guys it took a while to explain that you cant really set and alarm when your in the fecking house as you would set it off but when the penny finally dropped she was pretty embarrassed!

Took a while to twig that you were inside, but !

[SystonFox]

I asked my other half to get some cobs out the fridge for defrosting on Tuesday, came back two mins later saying we don't have any. I'm adamant we did but I left it at that. Thursday (yesterday!) comes around and I grace the freezer with my presence and right infront of my eyes are said cobs.... I wait until she returns from work and start calling her a bat. "Why am I a bat what have I done?" she squeals ... So I turn to her and say what special sense do bats NOT have to which she replies "WINGS?!?!?. Queue much rolling on the floor pissing myself. That quote needs framing

[DJ Barry Hammond]

I asked my other half to get some cobs out the fridge for defrosting on Tuesday, came back two mins later saying we don't have any. I'm adamant we did but I left it at that. Thursday (yesterday!) comes around and I grace the freezer with my presence and right infront of my eyes are said cobs.... I wait until she returns from work and start calling her a bat. "Why am I a bat what have I done?" she squeals ... So I turn to her and say what special sense do bats NOT have to which she replies "WINGS?!?!?. Queue much rolling on the floor pissing myself. That quote needs framing

Cricket bats don't have wings.... ooooooh!

[FoxyPV]

Walking in to Oxford today and the step daughter turned round to me and said (of a woman on a billboard) she has a really good tan, I wonder which product she uses? I pointed out that it was Eva Mendes and she didn't need to use fake tan on account of her being latina.

[The Doctor]

Couple of months ago.

dad: Why is there a hammer on the side in the kitchen?

me: I was using it to fix my watch.

[Filbert's Friend]

Last week in a cabaret bar (don't ask)

Woman on stage: "Love really hurts"

Dad: "It does if you stick it in the wrong hole"

:laugh:

[FoxyPV]

Ms Foxy and I were having a rare moment of privacy and I said to her "You can be the young squire girl and I'll come down as the baroness and sweep you off your feet"

It took me a moment to realise why she was crying with laughter.

[Stadt]

Ms Foxy and I were having a rare moment of privacy and I said to her "You can be the young squire girl and I'll come down as the baroness and sweep you off your feet"

It took me a moment to realise why she was crying with laughter.

[broughtonblue]

Doing some diy, I really twated my thumb with a hammer. Said to mrs, why do we have pain receptors that tell you are hurt, I'd rather not know. She replied that if I cut off my leg I could bleed to death! think I might know it was missing when I tried to stand up!

[Royston.]

From an e-mail sent to me;

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behaviour I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary:

Wonder if we'll get Maynard? to which my wife quipped, "whats a Maynard"

[MPH]

Just remembered about this thread...

Few days ago Me and the wife went to watch the Avengers. One of the trailers for it was for the New Spiderman film.. Spiderman is attaching himself to buildings with his spiderweb stuff... swinging away... One of the shots he is just there dangling from some beam, My wife nudges me and says " look! you can see the string!"

I havnt shut up about it for days! still makes me laugh!

[Kitchandro]

Someone I know told me this story.

His mate is a Newcastle fan, and he's got a season ticket. So he goes to his seat on the first day of the season, there's an empty seat in front of him. At every home game he realises that this exact seat is always empty. This goes on until January, when a bloke starts sitting there. Apparently, this bloke's wife had got him a season ticket in the summer, but wanted to give it to him as a Christmas present

[HEGGSY]

Someone I know told me this story.

His mate is a Newcastle fan, and he's got a season ticket. So he goes to his seat on the first day of the season, there's an empty seat in front of him. At every home game he realises that this exact seat is always empty. This goes on until January, when a bloke starts sitting there. Apparently, this bloke's wife had got him a season ticket in the summer, but wanted to give it to him as a Christmas present

Wait...Wait....What the.....really!?...

[FoxyPV]

I oft get reminded of this error in judgement.

A couple weeks after MsFoxy and I started going out, she was getting changed and I said "Oh! So that's was cellulite looks like. I've only ever seen that on my mum"

It's a testament to her sense of humour that we are still together.

In my defence I was 19 and none of my previous g/fs had ever pointed out their cellulite to me before.

[AoWW]

I oft get reminded of this error in judgement.

A couple weeks after MsFoxy and I started going out, she was getting changed and I said "Oh! So that's was cellulite looks like. I've only ever seen that on my mum"

It's a testament to her sense of humour that we are still together.

In my defence I was 19 and none of my previous g/fs had ever pointed out their cellulite to me before.

[davieG]

Someone I know told me this story.

His mate is a Newcastle fan, and he's got a season ticket. So he goes to his seat on the first day of the season, there's an empty seat in front of him. At every home game he realises that this exact seat is always empty. This goes on until January, when a bloke starts sitting there. Apparently, this bloke's wife had got him a season ticket in the summer, but wanted to give it to him as a Christmas present

That's been doing the rounds for years but still funny.

[The Blur]

I got a couple here...

I was having a go at my girlfriend about the fact she never flush the toilet after she has finished. She replied with this classic- " But,I don't flush the toilet because I wanted to save electricity!"

The one happened last week, I was chatting with her about her night out and the fact she tried jagerbomb for the first time, this fact shocked me a lot and she responded with " But no one would let me have a jagerbomb" in a really whiny voice!

[Orkneyfox]

Ex once sat up in bed and asked " what has happened since 1919?!

[Orkneyfox]

Daughter yesterday watching Holland -v - Denmark

"Why has that man got a 3 on his shirt and the other man has a roman numeral on his?

"That would be number eleven" replies her Dad.

[FoxyPV]

What kind of family do you have, that uses roman numerals on a daily basis?!

[The Doctor]

What kind of family do you have, that uses roman numerals on a daily basis?!

A Roman family?