Craig Posted 22 August 2013 Share Posted 22 August 2013 My first ex decided it would be fun to do 2 of the most evilest things known to man; One time she was tossing me off and while I was in the moment decided it would be fun to point it at my face just before I blew my load, you can tell what happened. A few months later she was giving me a blowy and decided it would be fun to pretend to swallow and then snog me straight after...that was horrible. Are you going to keep posting these bullshit stories until you get a rep point? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kingfox Posted 22 August 2013 Share Posted 22 August 2013 My first ex decided it would be fun to do 2 of the most evilest things known to man; One time she was tossing me off and while I was in the moment decided it would be fun to point it at my face just before I blew my load, you can tell what happened. A few months later she was giving me a blowy and decided it would be fun to pretend to swallow and then snog me straight after...that was horrible. How many ex's do you have made up Has to be pushing 20 by now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StanSP Posted 22 August 2013 Share Posted 22 August 2013 Was toying with posting my most embarassing moment as it's pretty horrendous but then I thought feck it, no-one knows me personally on this forum! Anyways, back in 2002 I was in my first year at Uni and was seeing a lovely girl from Sheffield. One afternoon we go back to halls for a bit of sexy time and she suggests we get naked and watch each other having a good time (hopefully you're following me here.) Not really my cup of tea to be honest but then I see how enthusiastic she is and I decide to go with the flow. Anyway, after a shortwhile she's making noises like she's getting to the point of maximum excitement - she mentions she'd like it if we 'arrived' at this moment together and so I re-double my efforts my end. Obviously, at this point I'm observing her pretty closely - what I'm not looking at is where my todger is pointing. In due course, she arrives at her destination pretty spectacularly and shortly after I have a happy eruption too...only my love juice blasts (and it was a blast) straight into my own face. Unfortunately for me it was quite a load - it went partly in my own mouth, a little up one of my nostrils and the largest serving went straight into my eye (I'm still not sure how this physically possible tbh). Take it from people - jizzing in your own face, particularly in your eye is no joke. It doesn't sting as such but it's gloopy and makes blinking awkward. Instead of some post-coital groping the lass took me to the bathroom (thank god she was a rich kid and had an en suite room) and helped me wash my eye out. Took ages, to the point I have a new-found respect for females in pornos. Amazingly, she laughed it off and we saw each other for another few months but when we split up I was shitting it that she'd tell one of my mates but fair play to the girl, she never told. Self-bukake people - give it a miss. Just wow. That is all kinds of . Most people's worries are about not getting it up or getting there too early, bet you never worried about jizzing in your own face, and directly in to your eye . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corky Posted 22 August 2013 Share Posted 22 August 2013 My first ex decided it would be fun to do 2 of the most evilest things known to man; One time she was tossing me off and while I was in the moment decided it would be fun to point it at my face just before I blew my load, you can tell what happened. A few months later she was giving me a blowy and decided it would be fun to pretend to swallow and then snog me straight after...that was horrible. It was big enough to fit in her hand then? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lamby Posted 22 August 2013 Share Posted 22 August 2013 It was big enough to fit in her hand then? Only just How many ex's do you have made up Has to be pushing 20 by now. At least I've actually had female contact, unlike you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StanSP Posted 22 August 2013 Share Posted 22 August 2013 It was big enough to fit in her hand then? Midget hands. Which makes the following comment amusing... Only just Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ozwin Posted 22 August 2013 Share Posted 22 August 2013 Can we just rename FT Lamby's Wang? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bilo Posted 22 August 2013 Share Posted 22 August 2013 I honestly have no idea. I was too busy almost drowning in my own semen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kingfox Posted 22 August 2013 Share Posted 22 August 2013 At least I've actually had female contact, unlike you Had to come out of a female somewhere. So therefore I've had contact with a female. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ADK Posted 22 August 2013 Share Posted 22 August 2013 One of my mates from uni pulled a girl and went back to her's. To notice there was black bags place all over the floor, he thought nothing of it and proceeded with the deed. while they were going at it and he was about to finish, the girl shoved a flannel up his ass and he shat everywhere. Embarrassed a you would be, he ran to the bathroom to clean himself up, finally built the courage to go back to her... to see her rolling around in his shit. He quickly ran away from her and never seen her since. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saxondale Posted 22 August 2013 Share Posted 22 August 2013 I was away with work once (an old job), staying in a hotel in Cambridge with my boss (a woman) and my boss's boss (also a woman). I ended-up getting so ratted that I was completed passed-out and obviously didn't get up at the required time in the morning. They had been ringing me and banging on my hotel door for some time before giving up and having to get the hotel maid to get a spare key to open up my room. All three of them entered to find me passed out stark-bollock on the bed, at which point I (semi-consciously) told them to f'uck off. Whoops. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tielemans63 Posted 22 August 2013 Share Posted 22 August 2013 Just wow. That is all kinds of . Most people's worries are about not getting it up or getting there too early, bet you never worried about jizzing in your own face, and directly in to your eye . Never before that day but since that day I'm very careful to avoid any eye to eye contact with Mr Winky. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vardinhio Posted 23 August 2013 Share Posted 23 August 2013 Had just started seeing a new bird, went to an STI check near the Viccy Centre in Nottingham. Walked in suited and booted as on my lunch break from my uni placement year and was ushered past reception down a corridor. I said I was here for the tests to a Nurse and she said "yes, just this way". I thought this was odd but I carried on walking until eventually being guided to a door...a knocked on said door and opened to see a big group to people having some kind of lecture/seminar. I said I was here for the tests, the tutor looked at me blankly. I said "I'm here for the STI checks" at which point the class started laughing and the Nurse who guided me grabbed me and apologised....basically as I was suited up she thought I was a junior doctor here for an exam. I was led straight back to to take my place at reception with a load of families trying to get free condoms......pretty bad. In other news I remember having a girl grinding against me in bed, she wouldn't put out easily and she was making me keep my clothes on much to my fustration. Anyway, not sure how/why but at the time I was pretty inexperienced and spunked in my boxers. I also had a lot of gas in my ass that needed to come out too. I made an excuse and darted to the toilet where I then hid my boxers near the cistern and cleaned myself up, proudly releasing said gas. I proceeded back to the room to continue, then actually hoping she wouldn't want to go any further or I would have had to explain why I wasn't wearing any pants. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavrentis Posted 23 August 2013 Share Posted 23 August 2013 Some night in freshers, went out with a society. Got absolutely bladdered (most i'd ever drunk in my life). Can only remember very small parts. Feel asleep in a bar, pictures to prove it did a horrific rendition of gangnam style(also pictures) and vomited outside the doors. Hailed a cab home, stumbled in, left my front door open and then woke up to hell. Never went to that society again and vowed I would never EVER get in that state again, it's not fun at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The People's Hero Posted 24 August 2013 Share Posted 24 August 2013 You need to get drunker and NOT remember. Thats why alcohol erases/erodes your memories of the night. Its a defence/coping mechanism. Sadly these days you tend to wake up to 100x texts saying 'you're a complete pen is', 'you're a legend mate', or 'you get home ok?' etc Tends to hint at over-inebriation. I'm not even going to start with embarrassing stories - but Flair needs to get in here when he has an hour spare. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
James. Posted 24 August 2013 Share Posted 24 August 2013 You need to get drunker and NOT remember. Thats why alcohol erases/erodes your memories of the night. Its a defence/coping mechanism. Sadly these days you tend to wake up to 100x texts saying 'you're a complete pen is', 'you're a legend mate', or 'you get home ok?' etc Tends to hint at over-inebriation. I'm not even going to start with embarrassing stories - but Flair needs to get in here when he has an hour spare. I still chuckle at that story about Hellyn the Geordie. It's one of the funniest things I've ever read on here. Come on Flair, give us another. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stadt Posted 24 March 2014 Share Posted 24 March 2014 This is my most favouritest thread ever, absolute gold Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bovril Posted 25 March 2014 Share Posted 25 March 2014 I had a night like that on Friday. I can't remember much. I was told this morning that we got chucked out of some pretentious arty bar that was playing nu-funk-bossa-nova-chillout for hijacking the sound system and playing Kinky Afro over the loud speakers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RonnieTodger Posted 25 March 2014 Share Posted 25 March 2014 Had to come out of a female somewhere. So therefore I've had contact with a female. LAD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kingcarr21 Posted 25 March 2014 Share Posted 25 March 2014 never seen this thread beffore and have spent the last hour reading it and pissing myself.Some great stories Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stadt Posted 26 March 2014 Share Posted 26 March 2014 never seen this thread beffore and have spent the last hour reading it and pissing myself.Some great stories Did you go in the link to the thread with the Ric Flair stories? The Hellyn one is tear inducing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kingcarr21 Posted 27 March 2014 Share Posted 27 March 2014 Did you go in the link to the thread with the Ric Flair stories? The Hellyn one is tear inducing. yeah i read it brilliant story. My life is clearly boring as i cant think of anything that deserves to be in this thread that can match up to stories like that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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